Randomly Missing Everyone

It's been so long but I felt the urge to do this because there's nowhere else I can express this emotional. It's funny how I was just scrolling instagram and just started randomly missing everyone in my life. It's been so long since I last spent quality time with my friends without having to worry about my school work and it's been so long since I had time to stop and think. Looking at old photos and just randomly crying because of how helpless I feel trying to study for my exam tmr and remembering how I could get help anywhere because of the people around me last time. It's so sad to feel like Im alone although my life aint that lonely right now. It's funny how I feel this emptiness hitting me so hard I couldnt continue studying. I miss you my friends, even if you were not my friend. I miss the times we had together and how we could joke around and have big dreams that we think is possible. What a time. I'm not sure what is happening to me but I really really need a break and I really really need to cry. 

Uni Life

Hi my stupid blog. It's been forever and I'm back once again. It's funny how i thought life would be better in uni but look at where that ended me up in. I am so tired of trying and of not sleeping. This life is killing me because i feel so insufficient and useless. I feel so useless because I can't even reply my whatsapp in time so that my friends don't forget me. I feel so useless because I can't even finish my work. I feel so useless because I am just wasting my parent's money living a life that may never come true. I feel so useless because I can't even get my parents to agree on my relationship and I have to lie to them everyday. I feel so useless because I can't even go out and catch up with my friends and I even miss my own birthday celebrations. I still feel so suffocated like in my previous post which was in 2014. The environment has only became harsher. My friends are dropping out of the course. Maybe I should do so too, someday sometime. I hate how my life is like now and I hate the fact that there is nothing about myself that I like. I want my old self back but I think that confident happy girl is gone forever. There is only a feeling of complete darkness and a life of horror in front of me. I even get suicidal thoughts every now and then. I guess things are getting really bad. Nothing is helping me at all. I'm living my life with a mask of an optimistic, confident, smart girl which I am not. I feel so trapped. Perhaps tomorrow is a good day so there will be no Monday blues ever again...

Before it fades.

Today, its e-learning day. Its tiring and boring but its definitely a break from school despite the work and upcoming performances and test. 2 months of JC life, the journey ahead definitely does not look very bright. It's worrying how little time I have to study and how I have to juggle with CCA, School, and other commitments.
However, it is definitely good to forge new friendship and find like minds. It's comforting that I always have someone to cheer me on despite all the low times of mine. May it be dance, school, people, whatever that is bothering me, I am glad I always have that someone around to talk to me and get me going. (it goes all the way to trying to persuade me to get out of my bed today) I am grateful for what I have now, although I feel like I am almost out of breathe at the start of the race.
To many, this may be a pretty meaningless post, but I just want to leave a mark of that someone on this blog in case ___ disappears from my little world. I wish to look back some day and realise the importance of people in my life and that no matter what I will have someone behind me, pushing me on. As time flies and people leave, I am starting to fear the departure of certain people in my life, starting to fear all these active hormones affecting my mind(making stupid decisions). All I want is to just stay in this little happiness I own now because I never know when this little happiness will fade away.

The same old things

I think its just me. I ask myself very often. Do i really want to lead? Can i really lead? Everytime i think about these alone, i would say yes of course. But how? Seriously how? I dont know what i am suppose to do.. I dont know how can i improve the situation. I just dont know anything to make a good leader. I get angry with myself, why do i always hide behind the rest, why do i always tell myself something and do another, why do i just not have the courage to speak up and take the lead? I am in a dilemma. I get discouraged everytime i try to lead because there are people who are more willing and can do better. I lose motivation everytime someone rejects or ignore me. I just dont know how i can push myself anymore. I know i can do a better job than this, but i dont know if i have the courage or even the heart to. Frankly speaking, many at times, i do not even know whats holding me back from speaking my mind, maybe i just dont want to mess up the situation even more. Or perhaps thats just a nice way of saying: i cant be bothered anymore because i know no one will ever listen. A heart is what a leader needs. This is what i feel like ive lost while leading, a heart to truly serve. I may have different ideal but what i want to do ultimately is to make things better by bringing everyone together and by listening to everyone. Too idealistic you may say, but why not? If you already have a leader who speaks to the crowd, looks forward, and looks at things in the most analytical way(or so he thinks) , why cant we have another leader who keeps quiet and just help everyone behind and make sure no one is neglected? A navigator and a sweeper. I think that only when everyone knows that they are heard and invovled will they feel like they truly belong. However, despite all this thoughts, under the pressure of peers and teachers, i really cant pull this off. I am not as 'noble' as what i think. But what i want to bring together is not just individual dancers, but a family that will seek comfort and support from each other in hard times. I just really dont know where to start and how to start because people simply do not think the same way. 4years and counting, will this mindset ever be possible to change? Will they ever understand that we need to do things together because we have to be one. Its just so hard and complicated. Different people, different concerns and different ways of treating things. If everyone is moving so fast, why cant i be the one who slows down and listens and make sure no one gets left out? I strongly and truly believes, Improvement is not merely moving towards the better, but moving towards the better, together. It isnt gonna be easy. I dont know whether i can do it or not. I will not know if i dont try, but do i even dare to try again? I fear not.

Do You Hear the People Sing

Enjolras:
Do you hear the people sing?
Singing the song of angry men?
It is the music of the people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!

Combeferre:
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?

Courfeyrac:
Then join in the fight
That will give you the right to be free!

All:
Do you hear the people sing?
Singing the song of angry men?
It is the music of the people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!

Feuilly:
Will you give all you can give
So that our banner may advance
Some will fall and some will live
Will you stand up and take your chance?
The blood of the martyrs
Will water the meadows of France!

All:
Do you hear the people sing!
Singing the song of angry men?
It is the music of the people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!

[Really meaningful lyrics and spirit found in this song.]

Reality check

Dance. It came into my life for more than 7 yrs. today was another reality check. The moe dance talent programme auditions. I opted for chinese dance which i have officially started learning 6 yrs ago. I am stiff and less flexible than others which makes me disadvantage and worse still, i am short. Accompanying me was the president of our dance society, also the main lead in syf chinese and syf international, and the female lead for syf chinese. In my eyes, they are really good and will definitely get through the auditions. However, i am not confident of getting through the auditions. The incharge guy said that it is a reality check for us dancers, and it made me wonder if i chose the right path to dance and if i am even fated to dance in the first place. The dance teacher asked for our names individually and i suppose it is to choose one of us only. It seems pretty obvious to me that she will get in and i wont. It is demoralizing to me as i have been dancing for a really long time and it feels like i will never proof myself. Both of them were the favourites in school and the girl is invited to join ur teachers dance troupe which the guy is alr in. I feel inferior to them when it comes to dancing and i am losing the confident i used to have. They sing praises about me but i wonder if it was true at all. I felt like the reality check was a time for me to think whether i should continue dancing or not. I dont know what to do anymore, yes passion and hardwork will bring you success but when? When others have those as well plus great qualities to be a dancer. Reality check, reality checked. Maybe its time to reconsider.

Projects

I m sick and tired of your attitude towards me. Yes i know i m busy, i delay deadlines, and i m not the best ones around but i do my job to my fullest and tried to keep within the deadlines and you dun even appreciate how i have to push away dates with my friends jus to do project with you. chem project later late like bio how? Thanks a lot lor, i finished the bio project video all on my own and did not sleep more than 3hr per day for a week jus for that and crashed my immune system till the extent that i could not wake up for cca. If you even know how hard it is to do a video all by myself with nothing to start with but a lot of uncategorised information. I know i handed in late but did u know how hard i tried to load that video? How many times i Had to redo because the com crashed? I would really appreciate you to think more about others. Ya i know u are concerned about your results but results arent everything, u so free so u will never understand the life of a busy person. It really saddens me everytime we do project together because it just make me feel how worthless i am to you and how terribly you treat me in your mind and how useless i am to you. I m really not the best friends around and definitely not your best friend. But i hope that you know even if we are just classmates, mutual respect should still hold. If you cant respect a persons ability, you can nvr expect her to help you further in future. I know what my strengths are and how they can help but when they are inapplicable i hope you know that you are all i can actually rely on. Mayb u did not know how important you mayb, but you are a friend to me even though i was hurt several times by the things you said and done. If u really dislike me now, leave me for all you want and i will never bother you for any projects work and recess again.